Seems New England has finally shook off the cold and embraced warm, summer, sunny days. Finally! After all that snow it seemed as if it would never come.
So...now that I've kicked it off with casual "weather" conversation...let's get to the theme of today's blog post. I'll admit, it will have an undertone of "rant" to it. You've been warned!
I recently had an experience that left me feeling deflated and guilty. It was a moment that I should have felt proud, confident and empowered - but due to outside influence went quite the opposite. In the moment I smiled through it, but inside my brain during a long drive home I really thought about. And started to get angry.
Me? Angry!? Yes...it does happen. Not often but when it does, it usually entails a rant of some sort. So here it goes...
As you all or atleast most of you know, I've started to work part time as independent personal trainer. It is something I truly believe is my calling and a way to carry on my mother's legacy (helping/counseling people) but in way that works for me and still honors her memory. Well, as a result of my increased work outs, cleaner eating and overall healthier living my body at age 44 is probably almost the best it has ever been. AND I'm healthier than I've ever been too (barring my stupid migraine problems of course!). So I feel a lot of pride in how I've changed my life and changed my body.
A pride that I have ALWAYS been hesitant to have. Vanity and ego are two of my LEAST favorite things so i'm always, endlessly aware of the negative undertone of "proud of your body". But I assure you, this does not come from ego nor vanity - and I can say that because I've worked SO hard to allow myself to feel proud of myself for working so hard.
Well, that pride went out the window when confronted with a group of women that seemed, well, resentful that I was in shape. Or as I was told "skinny".
And you all know how much I LOVE that word, right??? (NOT)
I am trying to share with as few specifics as possible because overall, I'm thrilled and honored to be included in a dear friend's big day, but some of that joy ended up making me feel uncomfortable. This funny thing happens when you start to REALLY get your body to a place that it becomes obvious you are one of "those" people.
Those people being assumed as the "eats just salad and prob doesn't have to do anything to be thin".
Um - NO. That is not the "those" people I am referring to nor resemble. I am not one of "those" people.
I AM one of those people that does not eat crap for food, that works out HARD at the gym 4-5 days a week and feels the best reward of these efforts is to feel strong, healthy and happy - including the benefit of a body that reaps the rewards on, yes, a visual level.
You see what's happening here?
I'm still apologizing even a midst this blog post! Ha! I'm just going to say it...
I'm still apologizing even a midst this blog post! Ha! I'm just going to say it...
I had to try on bridesmaid dresses, okay? Something that I started to dread from the very beginning because I'm so SHORT. No really, barely 5 feet, i'm a tiny stinker. The dress style is full length and I was worried my body would be swallowed up by the cut of it (since I knew in advance what it would look like). BUT I ADORE the bride to be and quite literally anything she wants I will do for her. Stick a potato sack on me, I don't care! This day is NOT about the bridesmaids, it is about the bride (and the other bride too...i love the diversity of my circle!!!).
Anywho...the rest of the bridal party was picking out different styles, etc. I loved how excited they were and confident they were in the styles they were picking. I kept quiet and nearly escaped even trying on a dress until someone made the point I really MUST try a couple of them. So I did. Reluctantly. Because I thought for sure...I'd look all swallowed up and disappointed in how I envision myself looking in a dress like this.
And then I stepped out of the dressing room and caught myself in the mirror.
I was SHOCKED. I LOVED the dress (bride's choice! its gorgeous!). And I could see the result of all my hard work. The strapless dress shows off how hard i'm working to build my shoulders, the definition in my triceps, and even though the dress is full length, somehow, I still have a shape.
Shape??? YES! I thought! I finally have hit a level of effort that now SHOWS.
And just as I was feeling confident, proud, happy, excited...I heard the protests.
And the rumblings.
And then here it came.
"Of course it looks good on her. she's SKINNY".
And then I dissolved into a blob. Please understand I do understand and get that for those that have struggled with weight...skinny is a huge compliment. But I'm working hard to have shape, to be strong, to not be skinny - which is the assumption i'm "just lucky".
I am NOT just lucky. I work my ass off. Hard. I do weighted squats to a point of nauseousness sometimes...that's why my ass looks good in the dress. My boobs carry the dress well because yes, i am naturally well endowed but because I lift weights to build my pectorals which make them perkier. If I didn't they'd be sagging by the time I'm 50.
All these things are swimming in my head just because I heard the words "skinny" and "lucky".
These are MY issues. Understand that. I was born with a fast metabolism. Very very true. And I AM lucky for that. But hit your 40s as a woman and suddenly the old "fast metabolism" thing is not enough to carry you.
So...back to the story. I'm standing there in this gorgeous dress and now all I want to do is hide. I'm asked to try on another that is similar. And I do. And that one looks good too. And I'm feeling apologetic about it. I'm trying to play down how confident I feel.
But why?
WHY????
And then the anger about an hour afterwards hit me. The assumption that the person you are looking at, admiring is just lucky or would not have to work as hard as you is 99% of the time NOT accurate. Saying "I wish I had a body like that" is pointless.
And then the anger about an hour afterwards hit me. The assumption that the person you are looking at, admiring is just lucky or would not have to work as hard as you is 99% of the time NOT accurate. Saying "I wish I had a body like that" is pointless.
You have YOUR body. And it is AMAZING and capable of so much. It is all yours! But you have to WORK to see the results. You have to be willing to MAKE the time. We all have things that are obstacles to taking care of ourselves. Especially for those with kids and a family life. But the time is there...even if it is just 20 minutes in the morning before the rest of the house wakes up or after they all go to bed. I'm not an idealist by any stretch of the imagination...I'm a REALIST. And the reality is...the woman's body you are ogling from a distance, wishing yours looked that way is not going to get YOUR body looking its best. Like I said, your body is already incredible...you just have to believe that you can transform it...if you WORK HARD. Yes, it is work.
Do I have days that I want to just eat the damn bowl of angel hair pasta with a fried chicken cutlet? Yes. Oh God YES. Do I...rarely. Do I have days that getting up at 6am to go to the gym feels like a chore? Yes. Even as someone who is transitioning to make this her life's work - yes, it still sometimes feel like more work than I can bare some mornings. Do I still go? YES.
You see my point here? We ALL struggle. But wishing and assuming someone else's body is just luck (especially over the age of 35 for women) is incorrect math 90% of the time. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that my hard work and happiness would end up making other women uncomfortable in their own skin. It goes against everything I am aiming for in this industry. I want to INSPIRE women to take control and love their bodies at their best and worst. We have a world of media and men's magazines telling us we don't measure up. My fit body should not evoke the same feeling, it should empower, inspire...and i was saddened when instead it was greeted with negativity. As if, my "being skinny" (ugh) was some horrible disservice to anyone else having to wear the same dress as me.
I guess my rant here is that I have worked damn hard to come out of that dressing room and feel the way I felt. To have that sense of "wow, my 6am mornings and no more chicken parms every week are paying off". And that moment of joy became a moment of forced modesty because I didn't want to make other people uncomfortable. Like I said, that is my own issue...no one intended for me to feel that way. It is how I processed it. So I own that.
We all are in this together...our job as women is to lift each other up. Whether we are a size 2 or size 12. It is about feeling strong, empowered and inspired. That's the reaction I want...and will continue to strive for it. One beautiful woman at a time!
find your strong,
Rachel
Body Made Better Fitness
Do I have days that I want to just eat the damn bowl of angel hair pasta with a fried chicken cutlet? Yes. Oh God YES. Do I...rarely. Do I have days that getting up at 6am to go to the gym feels like a chore? Yes. Even as someone who is transitioning to make this her life's work - yes, it still sometimes feel like more work than I can bare some mornings. Do I still go? YES.
You see my point here? We ALL struggle. But wishing and assuming someone else's body is just luck (especially over the age of 35 for women) is incorrect math 90% of the time. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that my hard work and happiness would end up making other women uncomfortable in their own skin. It goes against everything I am aiming for in this industry. I want to INSPIRE women to take control and love their bodies at their best and worst. We have a world of media and men's magazines telling us we don't measure up. My fit body should not evoke the same feeling, it should empower, inspire...and i was saddened when instead it was greeted with negativity. As if, my "being skinny" (ugh) was some horrible disservice to anyone else having to wear the same dress as me.
I guess my rant here is that I have worked damn hard to come out of that dressing room and feel the way I felt. To have that sense of "wow, my 6am mornings and no more chicken parms every week are paying off". And that moment of joy became a moment of forced modesty because I didn't want to make other people uncomfortable. Like I said, that is my own issue...no one intended for me to feel that way. It is how I processed it. So I own that.
We all are in this together...our job as women is to lift each other up. Whether we are a size 2 or size 12. It is about feeling strong, empowered and inspired. That's the reaction I want...and will continue to strive for it. One beautiful woman at a time!
find your strong,
Rachel
Body Made Better Fitness
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