3 years

Anyone who knows me, knows how close I was to my mom. And anyone that doesn't know me, but has read my numerous blog posts over the past year about the passing of my mother from cancer and the impact it had on me - knows how close I was to my mom.

Today is 3 years that my mom has been gone. By "gone" I mean surrendered to the heavens. Completely and totally turned to mist drifting in the ether. She is whole again in some other way and she is light as a feather. And for that I'm grateful...grateful that I have faith that she in fact still exists but in some other way or form. It is faith that pulled me and my family through those dark as pitch days leading up to her death three years ago. Cancer isn't pretty...it robs you of life before you are ready to relinquish it. It is brutal. For both the person suffering and the people bedside to the suffering.

BUT...I do not want this post to be about that today. It would be a disservice to the memory of who my mom was BEFORE the sickness took over. 

I want you to know who Paula was and still is, somewhere out there beyond the horizon...

She was gorgeous and funny and smart and sometimes just a giant goofball.
She never judged, she never scolded.
She'd let you win and fail all on your own a million times because she knew that was the best way to learn. 
She would instill strength in others leaving nearly none for herself or her own battles. 
She was a giver that was trampled by takers sometimes - but never let the bitterness take hold. 
She was a miracle worker with a smile and the best shoulder anyone could wish for when you needed a good cry. 
She was a fantastic cook - who hated to cook sometimes.
She made the best thanksgiving day sandwiches and hot cocoa.
She was hard on herself full well knowing she was a soul too sensitive for harsh words.
She was a the type of person that once you crossed, you'd swear she'd never allow you back...and then she would.
She was a giver of second chances...and third...and fourth...
She was a dancer and an animal lover.
She loved to run...around the yard, up the drive way and around a parking lot...but she was not a "runner". 


She was this and SO much more but I wanted just something to give you a picture of her...of who she was. And in turn, who I am because of her. Today is a very hard day...it is the first time in the past three years that I have genuinely had some "me time" to feel the grief without being consumed by worries about something or someone else. It is a gift in the weirdest of ways that this year I actually have time to feel the pain and loss of my mother.


One last thing, when my mother and I hugged, we fit...perfectly. She is a part of my soul. I came from her literally...and in that way I am of her. 

I ran this morning...for her. To feel alive and embrace the gift that is life. Running does that for me...it is the feeling of being ALIVE. Something I have been driven to feel more than your average person because of what my mother endured in her final days. I ran today for those that couldn't. And I ran STRONG. It was as if wings were on my back and I was flying along with barely a thought of it. It was a magical run and I am sure that it was a mother's wings that carried me today. Supporting every step, telling me "you got this kid".

I miss you mom. Every damn day. But for her (and myself), I will LIVE every damn day. In loss I was given a gift. One I will never squander. A gift she gave without knowing.

stay strong and LIVE your days.
do it for Paula today...

Rachel
aka Paula's kid