Quite Simply: Body Image

Soooo my blog-o-riffic readers, I have a heck of a blog post for you today. And, I think it may shock some of you, because what i'm feeling took me by surprise too.

So in the midst of transitioning to my new schedule at the new job, I slacked on my healthy lifestyle the past 3-4 weeks. My focus was shifted to get acclimated at the new job, and looking at my NASM trainer textbook was not even a blip on my radar. Neither was the gym or my running - and any exercise I did I just phoned it in. Not like me at all. That said, all in all it was not huge slacking but I started eating, and yes enjoying, lots of end of summer ice cream sundaes and huge stacks of banana pancakes all the while not consuming nearly as much water as I should (nothing was replacing it, i just haven't been drinking it much). My numerous snacks throughout the day on fresh fruit and veggies were replaced with...GASP...an occasional donut or barbeque potato chips.

Oh the horror, the horror...well, not really. These aren't life altering failures, but a lesson was learned that I did not expect. An enlightening if you will.

There is a page I follow on Facebook call "Fit Mama". She usually has some excellent insights that revolve around the thought that we should love our bodies no matter what, that we shouldn't punish ourselves for not mirroring the airbrushed perfection we see in glossy magazines. The standard is nearly impossible for most.

But in the midst of all this weight training and running and eating healthy I got lost in the aesthetic part of how my body changed. I will admit it. I am happy to say at age 43, I am in better shape than ever before. I look (or was looking) in the mirror and getting high off of the thrill of seeing my body change, to see it stronger, leaner...it was something that injected me with a very huge dose of confidence that I hadn't felt in 4+ years. I felt proud of my hard work and it was GREAT to see the results staring back at me. But...

...but...

What happens when you slack? What happens when you see your body do the slow slide? No, its not the "before" picture of over a year ago...but it certainly is not the tank top photo of me from 4 weeks ago. And I realized I started to dislike myself, well not myself but my body and I disliked the slide I did over the past few weeks. And that's ok...BUT...

...but...

I started to have a lot of negative talk circulating in my head. And that is NOT okay. It seems my confidence and happiness is very closely intertwined with the aesthetic of how this 5 foot frame LOOKS. And I started to dislike my body a lot, more than ever before in my whole life because it wasn't what it had looked like when I was eating with discipline/moderation. It wasn't the body I had become accustomed to seeing. Not to mention my energy dipped, my mood was all over the place and my focus was unclear. Derailing from my chosen lifestyle was doing a number on me.

But the negative talk is what really got me. How quickly I had turned on my own self. And I got mad. No ANGRY with myself. We are all human. And as a woman I have a right to get derailed, I have a right to enjoy that slice of cake if I want. The limits we put on ourselves when we live a fit life tend to make others think "God, its only cake - just eat it". And normally I would agree, but going overboard threw me for a loop. I really started talking badly to myself, how I had let myself down, how I had disappointed those that are always inspired by me. And that's not okay...because again I am human.

And that's when I sort of snapped out of it. The realization that this struggle was of great value to me. Because now, I understand, a little bit better how much negative talk can impact the spirit. I am no less a woman just because my muscle definition has diminished or because my jeans are little more snug than before. I am the SAME person, and it is okay to have struggles and challenges. Those are the things that we learn and grow from. It is important to forgive the derailment, in fact it is important to embrace it because only then can you learn from it - and come back stronger.

The drive in me to get this body, mind and spirit back on track is pretty strong and I know it is because of this exact struggle. It is hard not to beat oneself up when these things happen, but our bodies are product of our choices. WE control the outcome. Armed with that knowledge I can grow stronger than before and it feels wonderful.

My game plan? It has already begun...no "starting next Monday". NO. Starting in that exact moment of the realization is critical - because that is your moment of clarity. I had my moment this Tuesday afternoon. Yesterday morning I got up at 6am and went for a 3 mile run - and ran HARD. I hadn't pushed at all in a long while and felt I needed it. Then this morning I got my ass up again and went to the gym before work. Food choices also are revamped...the dessert every other day is already a memory. It is not because dessert is bad, in fact it is wonderful...but I had a very good working plan of when and how to fit in treats with out going over board, that theory also, went out the window over the last few weeks.

And maybe, I'm writing this all out for myself...you don't need to know all these details, but you do need to know you are no less, no more yourself just because your fit lifestyle went off the tracks. Forgive yourself and value that moment of clarity to get back to what you KNOW is good for your heart and soul.

stay strong everybody - we are all in this together.
Rachel