Me, My Body and I - An Open Conversation

Happy Wednesday peeps...so today's post is going to give you some insight into the thoughts that scrolled like ticker tape through my brain this morning while I worked out at my gym. I'll warn you...you may find this funny (which it IS now!)- but while I was having these thoughts, I was angry, frustrated and confused.

As a frame of reference I do not always feel this way. I'm actually most of time very happy to be in the body I have and try to always stay positive. But once in a while we ALL have those days where we feel like progress has stalled and that it seems no matter how hard we work, we will never get where we want to go. And it is OK and it is normal to have those days/feelings on occassion. I'm sharing this as proof that we all have those days. Today was mine...

So here we go...anything in quotes was my thought - i wasn't saying this outloud...ha!

I show up to the gym at 6:25am. First thing is abs.

I'm in the middle of doing a twist with a medicine ball.

"why are my abs and core so weak? maybe there is something wrong with me? how come i feel more soreness on the right and almost nothing on the left. okay there first set done. do i feel anything yet?"

I start to push on my obliques with my finger.

"i know there is muscle under there, I can feel it! I can also feel the fat on top of it. this is ridiculous"

Resumes second set.

"oh that is really burning. GOOD. burn those little fat cell f*ckers. burn'em and strengthen. yes. burn. yay! i feel something".

Second set done. Gulping water. Look in mirror.

"this green workout shirt looks terrible on me. or maybe it IS my body. is it? I don't know. It should look cute on me. It would have looked cuter this time last year. Stupid SNOW. Stupid winter. If only I could have ran like I did last winter. Now I have this stupid layer of fat over these muscles. Stupid New England. I bet if I lived somewhere warmer I'd be in better shape"

Studying my self in the mirror. Resumes third set.

"just got to get through this last set. i can do it. ow. ow. ow. Okay ow is good, burning. yay! oh i'm so tired already. will i make the full 15 reps? i have to!"

Finishes the set.

Later on in the session. I'm workin' the triceps.

"Look at this stupid fat under my arm. UGH. It was not there last year. I had gotten rid of it...and yet here it is AGAIN. I should not have gone on a break in December. All those stupid christmas cookies and cream puffs. NOW look at what i've done. It is APRIL and I'm working off Christmas's mistakes and poor choices."

At this point I realize I am negative talking myself to death. I try to turn it around.

"You are doing great now and that is all that matters. Spring is here, you will be back where you want to be in no time. just do not stop. keep GOING"

I look at myself in the green shirt.

"this shirt really makes me look like i have no shape. i'm so bloated...maybe that's why. I hate being a woman. Stupid menstrual cycle. Seriously. Men have it easy. Ugh."

Realizing the turn around to positivity is hopeless, I try to just be in the moment of my next exercise. It doesn't work.

"Do not look in the mirror. It will just fuel your negativity. God why do I look so awful today. Because I'm bloated and this shirt fits poorly. BUT I should look good in this shirt. Why can't I see my biceps anymore? Am I getting worse? Seriously why am I even bothering???"

And that was the end of the self hate. I finished all my reps/sets of everything that I wanted to get done. I accomplished every rep despite the negativity. When I got home... I reflected on all this negative talk and realized...this past Saturday I ran 7 FREAKING MILES and I finished mile 7 STRONG. How dare I tear this body down, tear it apart and hate it for even a second when it is doing things I once thought impossible!


I got really MAD at myself for being angry with my body. And for being so stuck on the visceral part of this journey (which is something that goes AGAINST my mother's message to me). There are people struggling just to be able to walk again after surgeries and health issues and I'm mad because I have more under arm fat than last year??? Seriously???


Perspective is an AMAZING thing and today I got a good hard slap of it. Before you tear yourself down for not "looking" like you are taking better care of yourself, think about and rejoice in the fact that you are, in fact, caring for your body better than you ever have before. That my friends, is all that matters.

be strong, stay strong,
Rachel