body image, black bathing suits & love the mirror

Hello my fellow blog-o-sphere lovers and get fitters.

This post is going to be long, so pull up a chair, grab a cup of joe and settle in. 

Not too long ago, maybe a couple months or more I wrote a blog about body image. And more recently, on my facebook account I read and then linked to an article that accompanied pictures of "real", average shaped men compared to ads of male models. I then shared a short commentary on the theory that while I was looking at those images of the comparisons, I was giggling because it seemed INSANE that these men should be expected to look like a Calvin Klein model.  Yet when I go through one of any several women's magazines I suddenly become overly aware of my own imperfections. My thighs are not muscular enough, my waist isn't small enough, my facial skin is not youthfully glowing (well i am 44!). Not to mention underarm flab, toned butts and impossibly kissable lips with just the right amount of gloss.

It is exhausting. And this is coming from someone that is finally in a place in her life where I don't feel like i have to be a slave to society rules on how my body should look (again, i'm not a 22 year old Playboy bunny with possibly *faux* boobies and a coin that could bounce off my butt!). That said, i'm thrilled for those gals, I say ENJOY. Use what ya' got! But we should all have a right to enjoy our reflections and somehow that message seemed well accepted in my opinion of the men's images/article, but not in my own brain when I look at a women's magazine. 

This whole thing heightened my awareness in a way I've never anticipated. And it was jarring. I did NOT understand how much I am still impacted by standards that are impossible for most. Not all...just most. Nothing is impossible, but that isn't the question here...it is more - is it realistic and attainable within the boundaries of the life you live. I believe in the motto "no excuses" but within reason and at what cost? I'm thrilled that I had this awakening...and it took looking at men in their skivvies without perfectly chiseled pecs and abs to make me realize, how outlandish the expectations become when we apply them to our own bodies.

Proof of this? Proof that sometimes the view of our own bodies become distorted and warped without realizing it. Even when we are so sure we are grounded in our belief systems.

In preparing for my trip to the west coast on Friday, I purchased some beautiful, warm weather tops from venus.com (i love ALL their stinkin' clothes! fit me like a glove! - but i digress!). While shopping online I spotted a black bathing suit that I have loved for the past couple years. It was way too much money for this lady, so I just admired it from afar. Well, while perusing the site, this exact suit was on sale for $14. $14!!! For both pieces...normally a $60 suit. Well, I went for it. It seemed silly to pass it up. My thought was, once this horrific New England winter ends and makes its much needed transition into SPRING I will be feeling better, eating better and getting back out there and running. I have been working out and running but very sporadic. And then with being sick AGAIN...and vacation quickly approaching...I have decided to just cut myself some slack and go easy on the cardio/weight session. 

the suit!

So ANYWAY...the suit arrives yesterday. I try on all the other tops, even a dress I purchased and I love it all. My thought was to not even try on the suit because...well...as far as my mind thinks...my body is not "swimsuit ready". But I think, ya know what? Screw it. Let's be brave and try it on. Yes, try it on after a chicken parmesan Valentine's dinner at our local family Italian restaurant. Slighly bloated belly and all. (just being honest....sorry for the TMI).

And you know what? You know FREAKING WHAT?

The suit looked pretty good on this not "swimsuit ready" body. Even with my upper abdominals hidden beneath a chicken parm dinner...I could pull it off. If I had to go out to a pool this morning in this two piece...I wouldn't feel horrible about. In fact...I felt pretty good about it.

And that's when I realized.

What is going on in my mind? What am I THINKING I'm seeing when I look in the mirror. This time last year when we were getting ready to leave for Mexico I distinctly remember being upset with myself because I didn't feel comfortable in my two piece with boy short style bottoms but I decided to wear it anyway. This suit is WAY more skimpy and I'm pulling it off. Holy shit. I mean HOLY SHIT. What I'm thinking I look like, and then actually look like were two distinctively different things.

I worked out on Tuesday, plus ran 2 miles...then got sick again.
Sometimes you have to let your body rest. A lesson
I'm still learning. Light 10 minute weight sessions with
my girl Holly Perkins on her Slim. Strong. Sexy DVD is
sufficing nicely instead each day until I leave for Vegas Friday!
LOVE YOUR BODY!

And I don't want you to interpret this part of my blog post as "that girl is really high on her own body in a two piece". Please believe that is not what this is about. This is about distorted body image. This is about feeling like you are never quite good enough to pull off your two piece (or that little black dress, or that pair of yoga pants, or whatever you want!) even when clearly, you ARE. Yes...YOU. You have done the work, trust the process and trust yourself. My body after one and a half years of being consistently physically active and eating well 80% of the time (barring my Christmas cookie debacle of 2013...as it will always be known)...my body has changed for the good. 

And that is GOOD ENOUGH. 

Will I keep working out? Eating right? Improving on my form and body? Go back to running (GOD YES!! PLEASE!)...and that is all because I love my body. Because I want to improve it. But there should be no shame in showing a body that is a work in progress. 

In fact body shaming, a topic becoming rampant on the world wide web of newsfeeds since The Biggest Loser controversy, is not tolerated by me in the least. I've no tolerance for body shaming others.

And if I've got that level of respect for others, then shouldn't I have that same level of respect for myself and the body I'm making? My goal now is to CONNECT with the image in the mirror. To have my mind, body and soul in sync with the reflection I see. Aren't I worth that? Aren't we ALL worth that?

I say yes.

The suit is coming to Vegas & California. Even if it only sees a hot tub. It is going.

love and be kind to yourselves & stay strong,
Rachel