Not the kind that we face as fit folks and runners but as in LIFE obstacles that threaten to derail us, tear us from the fabric of the active, happy life we are working so hard at. Its not new news to anyone that knows me personally that I have experienced a love/hate relationship with my "day job" as I call it from day 1. The mission and the people of this organization have always been the thing that keeps me holding on...but last week, there were some major blows struck to the foundation of my work life...including the potential threat that I am a dead man walking...meaning they aren't sure if there will be a place for me when this "new" structure is put in place. They also brilliantly decided (like that sarcasm?) to eliminate a close friend/co-worker as well which I am NOT taking well. Add up all these factors - watching a good friend lose their job, on top of me being expected to work through the next couple months not knowing how much longer I have a job...and you take those two things and there's MAJOR trouble for my nervous system.
I suffer from anxiety - but since I started regularly exercising almost a year ago...its been minimal. The only time I need to take a little something (its really the smallest dose possible) is for my nerves when I fly. I have not had to touch one of those little pills in a while. Exercise has been excellent way to maintain and keep a healthy balance. No panic. No anxiety. No insomnia.
Then...WHAM-MUTHA-TRUCKIN'-WHAM
This shit happens. Pardon my french...or don't...i've just got to vent.
Truth is after being put in this horrible position of working with the unknown fate of my livelyhood and very little consideration for the years i've put in, my faulty nervous system took over (inherited, mom had anxiety too).I landed in the ER last Thursday night with a migraine that my meds couldn't treat. It was horrifying and SCARY. But it is a prime example of how this nervous system functions once it hits overload.
And its safe to say, I am OFFICIALLY on overload. Luckily, I found the strength somehow to put ME first and go see my primary physician...after telling me my normally good blood pressure was HIGH and he could hear the palpatations from my anxiety...I asked him to recommend I go out on temporary medical leave.
YUP.
So for the next two weeks, I am off from work, taking time to calm this nervous system down, clear my mind and try to level myself off again. I am damn proud for being brave enough to stand up to work and take care of myself...clearly, nobody else was going to look out for me.
And what strikes me hardest is that here I am, truly loving and grateful for all the other aspects of my life...and I guess I thought that would always out weigh any work stress or drama. But the reality is, sometimes you can't outrun your mind. Literally speaking. And believe me, I've been trying!
On Sunday, I had a glorious, comfortable and happy 6.2 mile run. The weather was just right and I just ran and ran until I hit parts of the road I didn't even recognize. I felt peaceful and happy. But its not enough right now...which saddens me. Its saddens me that I've let myself stay in a job that has basically now brought me to my knees health wise. Normally I am the type to just sit and take it at the cost of incoveniencing others or avoiding confrontation.
No more. That ended with another work related issue that happened just over a month ago. In retrospect, I see how toxic my employer environment has been overall and it took its toll. Despite how beautiful and amazing the rest of my life is...I'm just not someone that can say "its just a job" and walk away at 5pm each day. I CARE. I am a passionate person that wants to bring 100% to everything I contribute...my former coworker is the same way...and it appears to have been something we were punished for vs applauded for.
And what strikes me hardest is that here I am, truly loving and grateful for all the other aspects of my life...and I guess I thought that would always out weigh any work stress or drama. But the reality is, sometimes you can't outrun your mind. Literally speaking. And believe me, I've been trying!
On Sunday, I had a glorious, comfortable and happy 6.2 mile run. The weather was just right and I just ran and ran until I hit parts of the road I didn't even recognize. I felt peaceful and happy. But its not enough right now...which saddens me. Its saddens me that I've let myself stay in a job that has basically now brought me to my knees health wise. Normally I am the type to just sit and take it at the cost of incoveniencing others or avoiding confrontation.
No more. That ended with another work related issue that happened just over a month ago. In retrospect, I see how toxic my employer environment has been overall and it took its toll. Despite how beautiful and amazing the rest of my life is...I'm just not someone that can say "its just a job" and walk away at 5pm each day. I CARE. I am a passionate person that wants to bring 100% to everything I contribute...my former coworker is the same way...and it appears to have been something we were punished for vs applauded for.
Regardless - I am going to find the best way forward for me. Its tough to admit all this because I have felt so superhuman lately (i'm laughing - i picture myself in a cape as I run!) - so to admit my nervous system basically crapped out - is HARD. Really hard. But the truth will set me free :)
stay strong everyone and TAKE CARE of yourself!
Rachel
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