tonight, i come to you with some pretty negative, self image issues. you've been warned (and apologize in advance).
it is shocking i'm sure because normally i am the first person to preach about self love and self acceptance. I'm the first person to tell a fellow get fitter - it's about how you feel more than how you look. I'm always first in line to tell a friend "don't be so hard on yourself - progress, not perfection".
And normally, when I say all those things or type all those things or tweet all those things - i mean them. honestly. from the bottom of my heart. Lately I have been feeling very proud of my progress - my running and my 30 day shreds...but despite all that - in truth i've indulged in some cake and french fries along the way. And when they say you can't out exercise your diet - its true. the abs haven't been quite as lean and the belly hasn't been quite as slim...but i let it rest because all in all i felt like i've been kicking some serious ass.
and then, i decided to go out tonight and try on bathing suits for my cancun trip next week.
Ay and there's the rub as Shakespeare would say.
I was determined to try on some two piece suits. Which, if you know my past, I have a tumultuous relationship with two piece suits. I always think in theory i can wear them...i'm a petite little thing and the assumption by friends is always that i could wear a two piece. And every year, I try to buy into that belief. Unfortunately, despite me actually buying two pieces last summer, I still wear shorts over the bottom in order to hide my little belly. And although, yes its little, it is still a belly.
That said, I thought that maybe since I had been working out and running this year, I would be in better shape for said suit shopping.
I was wrong.
In the dressing room of Target, practically in tears, ready to sob and give it all up - all the running, all the work outs, all the greek yogurts, all the race entries and completions...ready to give it all up because what i saw in the dressing room mirror did not reflect my efforts. In truth again, I say, I KNOW it has to do with my diet. One ice cream sandwich 4-5 times a week WILL show, no matter how may miles I'm running. In that mirror, I could only see the areas I have failed, and am failing.
Basically, tonight did not go well (i am laughing outloud as I type that).
I put back the bathing suits and settled on a boy cut black and white stripe swim trunk to wear with a black bathing suit halter top that I already had from last season. The belly still shows but less of it and I feel slightly more comfortable.
Slightly.
This post is so hard for me to write and share because I have prided myself on feeling and believing and BEING a truly proud, happy, healthy woman over 40...but sometimes the reality of what this journey looks like and feels like has to be shared. No one can be happy, happy, joy, joy all the time I guess. Even me.
The salt in the wound I guess is that while I'm practically in tears, in the dressing room of Target...trying to not hate my own body...the mister is off watching 20 year old hard bodies slide up and down a pole with not much more on than...well...nothing.
Now normally, I could give a crap, but tonight...well it just drove home the fact that the days of my fast metabolism and easy wins in the food/exercise department are now far behind me. I will wake up tomorrow morning and start fresh...but tonight I will let myself feel what I need to feel...and what that is, is sad. Sad that even I get influenced by the media rush of perfect bodies and taut bellies.
Tomorrow when the sun rises, i will give thanks for another day and then proceed to eat well, run my run and get my shred workout in just like I have been.
Only difference...no more ice cream sandwich or french fries. I will be a better version of myself each day that I rise and shine. And that is the best any of us can do...
okay...
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first of all -- you are gorgeous and absolutely fabulous and NO bikini -- no matter how eensy weensy -- will ever truly convey that.
and trust me, i get it. i struggle with this sorta thing constantly -- but at the end of the day i am currently the best version of me that's possible and so are you.
and i am sorry -- i do not want to live a life without the occasional ice cream sandwich and/or french fry -- it's one meal/snack, and one not so healthy meal/snack is gonna revert all your hard work because i know you do more good than bad!
so...
give yourself some due credit and go have the time of your life in cancun no matter what you're wearing. (and helloooo, red dress!)
besides -- that suit is hella hot!
xxoo
i know how you feel.... i truly do. in late December, i also went swimsuit shopping. i, like you, was near tears in the dressing room...i was disgusted by what i saw in that mirror...and i realized that the mental image i had of myself was in vast contrast to the vision in that mirror.
ReplyDeletei am 5 years post-menopause and it has changed everything....everything has shifted around....every pound is harder to lose...toning, which in the past, was never difficult with results showing almost immediately, takes longer to show.
i began a quest for healthier weight and muscle toning. i don't expect to have my 20, 30, 40 or even 50 year old body back. however, being almost 60 is not an excuse to let myself go and forfeit my health and my body image.
in my quest for being a better me, i found inspiration in you. you inspire being the best you can be at any age. since my "rude awaking" in that dressing room mirror, i have put myself on course to healthier habits by watching what i eat, including more fruits and veggies, working out at least 20 min/day 5x/wk and reading your blogs and FB posts for inspiration and encouragement to keep doing something - anything for a healthier self on a daily basis.
so getting back to your swimsuit issue - it isn't about wearing a two piece, bikini, tankini, one piece or striped boy cut bottoms and a black halter top - it's about wearing what is comfortable, confident and sexy for you - it's about showing off your healthy, fit 40 year old self. and, wearing your confidence is incredibly attractive and appealing.
as for my quest - i have lost 6 lbs (about 1 lb/wk right now). i hate what my one piece suit looks like on me, but i work out in that suit and have actually come to not hate the look so much. i'm starting to see the changes in my body. i feel better, i look better, i feel more confident and i'm getting my sexy back.
THANK YOU for inspiring me and making me feel like i'm not alone in my moments of self doubt, not wanting to work out, feeling not as good as i could. THANK YOU for helping me feel good about the small steps I've taken on my road to health and for feeling proud of myself for taking those steps. THANK YOU
thank you so much ladies for the kind words...we all have our struggles and our not so great days, looks like yesterday was one of those for me. I believe we need to be the best version of ourselves, because we are unique and not meant to fit the mold of what is "ideal". It was easy to forget that last night when I was staring back at my body in that dreaded two piece swimsuit.
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