Narcissism & Other Devils

So here we go...

I've had a whole stream of thoughts i've been wanting to blog about but just haven't made the time to sit down and blog it out. But right now, if I don't get all these random realizations out of my little red-haired head, i might pop.

First up...let's talk about body image struggles. Let's talk about how this time last summer I was in the best shape of my entire life at age 44. And then let's cut to THIS summer where I am a far fall from where i was last year. Let's talk about how all those cute little outfits and dresses and pants and shorts i bought LAST year although still "fit" - do NOT fit the way they did a year ago. I'm SUPER critical and cautious about what i wear...and if i feel like anything is "puffing" out over a tank top seam or the waistline of a pair of pants or shorts...i will NOT wear them. I don't care what YOU do...rock it and be comfortable...but for me, i'm just not okay with that.

Now here's the problem...i was not always that way. I used to be okay with not being tight and toned. I used to be okay with a little extra soft flesh on this bod. In fact, I LIKED it. It made me feel more feminine. But then I discovered working out and running and eating NO carbs and LOVED that I could wear just about anything i wanted without feeling self conscious. And to go BACK to where I sort of was "before" I discovered my almost obsessive need to work out and run and eat no carbs...has been a struggle.

 I was not a hard body. I didn't have ripped abs...but i felt so confident and comfortable and strong in the body i was making.

So why not go back to that you ask? If i know exactly HOW I got my body that way why not just do it again?

Because it bordered on narcissism. Actually no it didn't border. It was narcissism. And unless you are sharing a life with someone who is as obsessed with their reflection in the mirror and their "progress" it takes something away from the life you are sharing and turns it into "all about me". Maybe there are people that can do both. There is such a thing as balance. But i haven't found it. I'm trying. Oh God how i'm trying but it isn't there. Well...actually it is there...i'm just not fighting hard enough to get it and own it.

Where I'm going with this is right now, at age 45, I'm in a fight with myself. To accept that my body won't always be what it was last summer. That in order to get it that way I was sacrificing a lot of things without realizing it. I am a FAR happier person right now in my life (despite a job from hell...lol)...I feel very complete as a person and fairly content.

Until I try on pants or a dress from last summer. And then I fall apart and fight off self hatred. And what kills me is...this is all about the PHYSICAL. This has NOTHING to do with me as a person. I like to think I'm a better person NOW because I understand life can not revolve around a progress picture of your ASS. That broadcasting you can sit and not have a roll of skin appear on your waistline is not the priority in life.

All in all I think I got caught up in how important my physical body was. And i'm still caught in it to a smaller degree. I'm getting older and strength training and staying active will ALWAYS be a part of my life, even if it is sporadic or inconsistent at times. But that is all part of who I am...and that is the difference...it is part of who I am, not ALL of who I am. I don't want to build a career on making sure my physical body looks like what I preach.

What I want to preach is self acceptance. That you don't have to look like the hot 25 year old in the INKEDGIRLSWITHHARDBODIES Instagram account. You can look like YOU and still be hot, and still be inked, and not be 25 and still rock that shit. I believe with all my heart for all other woman. Now I've got to work on believing it for myself.

And all this passion, all this 100% believe it with all my heart makes me want to take a class in the psychology of women and society. Where do these ideals come from? I was one of the people perpetuating that angle that "well just do it, just change your body, you control it". And although that is true...it isn't always that easy. Sometimes you don't want your world to revolve around building your best body ever. Sometimes you want to eat the potato skins and onion rings and eat cake. And sometimes you'll want a salad and frozen yogurt. And BOTH those scenarios are okay. But I feel like the fitness industry perputates an ideal that most people can't relate to.

I want a practical approach to living a healthy, happy life. A balanced life...and that is the key. To live long, to love the body you've made through all phases of life and take care of it. But you have to take care of ALL of it...the mind, the spirit and the body. And sometimes the spirit wants to sleep late and cuddle up with the person you love versus run to the gym because you have to keep to a schedule.

Screw the schedule. Love everything about being alive. Kale, weights and squatting is not the end all be all.

Atleast not for me.
And I'm okay with that.

Life As We Know It & Other Realities

It has been a long while since I blogged. As usual, I drop off the face of the earth and instantly become the world's worst and most elusive blogger. But then a rush of things in life happen, or realizations and suddenly I have the urge to spew what's on my mind out into the inevitable and unidentifiable black hole that is the internet.

Today's blog is about MANY things. And not just fitness related. But LIFE related. 

First...here's the thing about being "fit". You are not always going to be a rock star at it. You are not always going to have defined shoulders and a flat stomach and a perky, cellulite free ass. Sometimes, you'll struggle to even get your ass to the gym and sometimes you'll want to get in there as often as possible because you love it so much. Sometimes, you'll want to run for miles day after day and other times you'll forget you were even a runner and ran two half marathons.

And by "you" in the above paragraph, I mean me. My body looks VERY different than it did this time last summer. Last summer I was running, cycling AND strength training. I avoided white bread, white rice, white anything. I hadn't had a french fry in months. Did I love how my body looked and felt? Did i have boundless amounts of energy? Yes. Does THIS summer's bod look like last summer's? Nope.

Am I okay with that?

Truth.

I'm working on it. I guess part of this blog today is to make peace with the fact that I may not always be the fitness girl I envision. Sometimes dessert, and my turkey burger on a white roll (THE HORROR!) will in fact happen. Sometimes I'm going to prefer to snuggle in bed with my man in the morning or get a little nooky than go to the gym. Sometimes, different things will be important to me. Priorities shift.

And with that...I AM okay.

Do i feel more secure, happier, safer in my life than during this time last year's reality? Yup. Are these two things related? The shifting of priority? Maybe. I'm still wrestling with that too.

All in all though, I'm okay with the body I have right now. It is still strong, can still run, can still carry a vertical cooler on wheels down a flight a stairs that was pretty much as big as me. To have my man turn to me and say "how did you carry this by yourself?" was an awesome feeling. So maybe not "looking" as fit as i want doesn't mean i'm not still "fit" and strong in other less obvious ways.

Then there is another issue...which is not actually related to health and fitness, BUT...my recent voluntarily suspension of my facebook account was based on a meme i saw that just about put me over the edge (on top of the 4 million other reasons i needed to step away from the FB drama world)...

A "friend" had posted a meme that said something along the lines of "BOYS prefer skinny, perfect girls that don't eat and MEN prefer badass women that eat and can hold their liquor".

Wow. How about I post a meme that says "Men prefer women who don't sit on their ass, eat crap and drink like a drunk".

RIGHT? Wouldn't that be AWFUL??? I would never, ever, ever...because i don't judge. I don't make assumptions based on size, shape or lifestyle preference.

But yet...us "skinny" girls...well we must not eat right? We think we are "perfect". Right? RIGHT?

Newsflash..if i thought i was perfect this blog wouldn't be happening.

And honestly, I'm not blaming the "friend" for posting it, she didn't intentionally mean to piss me off to epic proportions. But she did. And that f'n MEME DID.

How about we love each other as women and support each other no matter our shape and size? How about we stop saying "men prefer curves". I'm barely 5ft tall, I weigh 100 lbs soak and wet and have a 34D chest (natural, thank you very much). I HAVE CURVES. 

How about I post "Men prefer women who don't have rolls"?

HORRIBLE. Right? Right.

I'm using these terrible, awful examples to drive my point home. I'm tired...I'm tired of being told..."you need to eat another cupcake" or "you turn sideways and you disappear" or "i'd work out but it is too hard, it is easy for you" or "i'd love to run but i get tired really fast, it is easier for you because your 'skinny' ".

No it f'n isn't.

Hear me? NO IT ISN'T.

You have to make a CHOICE. The choice is to TRY. To push yourself. To get comfortable with being uncomfortable. When i was in the gym this morning, and it felt like a 100 degrees in there and my quads were burning from pushing weight that I hadn't in over a week...it was HARD. It was UNCOMFORTABLE.

But wait, tell me again how it is easy for me. No really. Tell me.

Do i have a fast metabolism? Hell yes. Am i blessed to have inherited that? HELL YES. Do i recognize not everyone has that advantage? HELL YES. It is the whole reason I want to still be a health and nutritional coach. (a REAL one, not a product pushing one). I want to encourage, guide, inform people...to help them find THEIR way to a healthier life. Not a "skinny" life.

I'm sorry if this blog sounds angry. But I guess I am. I want women to rise up, unite, love each other, accept each other, support each other. But if a supposed friend can post something that insensitive than I feel like i'm in circle of doom right now.

And yes, that meme was the straw on this camel's back. Facebook in general has been RIDICULOUS as of late.

I'll try not to get into it here...but I had to step away because I can't stand everyone's drama. And if I unfriend any more people I'll be ousted from the state of Rhode Island. (which wouldn't bother me except i love my honey, his kids, our home and our families). And apparently, by unfriending people, suddenly it must mean you hate the person, or you must have "talked shit about them"...how about, um, NO. How about we all GROW UP? Just a thought.

Overall, i'm just over so much of the juvenile behavior. At age 45 I finally "get it". Life is way way way too short to not surround yourself with supportive people that "get" YOU. Of course you can have close friends who have differences of opinion, i mean, OF COURSE. You have to accept that. And love people for who they are. And i do.

But i guess i needed and need a little space to breathe. To regroup. To figure out who i am in this next phase of my life and who i want and need to be a part of it.

Also, speaking of "new" phases....at age 45 I finally, FINALLY bought a brand new car. (lease actually). Never in my life have I known what it was like to drive a new car, to have that security. And yesterday, I signed the papers and drove away with this baby...my 2015 Jeep Compass. It was goal on the bucket list of mine that honestly, I'm not sure I would ever achieve. But after working my ass of to rebuild my credit, and demand a much overdue raise last week...i finally did it.

Which leaves me wondering what is the next goal? And it just proves...I really CAN do anything I set my mind to if I put the work in behind it.

Mission accomplished feels good. I'm ready to roll on to the next challenge. And in a new set of wheels no less :)

So there, I'm ending this "angry" blog with a happy vibe. A vibe that, hey, if you want that body to be strong, healthy, confident...you CAN...but you have to work for it. Just like I do. And sometimes I work harder, and sometimes I work less...but I control my life, my body, my mind and my heart.

And you own yours too. So if you see hate in your newsfeeds...block it, delete it, speak up. If you feel like you need to change your body, your mind...then get up and move.

It is up to YOU.

I'm tired of being quiet. And this blog proves it.

carpe diem,
Rachel

Through What Eyes?

I'm not sure what happened, or maybe I am, but somewhere along the line I became the world's worst blogger again. My promise to keep this up back in January was a big giant FAIL and for that, as always, I apologize profusely. All that said...let's let bygones be bygones and move on with the subject of this blog...

I've often "blogged" about body image. How we all see ourselves in a much harsher, crueler light than we actually exist. Most women, me included, tend to see ourselves viewed mentally under the florescent lights of a dressing room, in a three way mirror with no retreat or surrender in sight. If you've gone clothes shopping, then you know of which I speak. Those dressing room lights are enough to make almost anyone run and hide - screaming and crying all the way - swearing off any type of carb, sugar or fat based food (which pretty much eliminates everything). 

No bueno.

After I started to recover from the hell sickness that knocked me down to my knees in December/January, I've slowly made a comeback fitness level wise (just in time for a wisdom tooth to severely crack and require surgery to remove...ahhhh timing....but i digress). I've started running again (oy vey...if you don't use it, you lose it...but it feels GOOD!) and this ass is officially in the gym again. Yay!

But, in the midst of all this, I lost...or thought/felt like/believed...I no longer looked like someone that had been previously "fit". My little pooch of a belly is smooshy again, even though it was never rock hard, it certainly wasn't this smooshy. My inner thighs have lost that wonderful defining line and now sporting barely any definition at all (though i've never cared if my thighs touched...i'm just not that girl). My ass, although still shapely, is stubborn to let go of the "dimples" on my butt cheeks (yes, strength training eliminated the dimples people! Squat! Squat! Squat!). My upper body is a mere shadow of what it once was. My shoulders, triceps and biceps are present, but nothing like before. All and all, i have been feeling pretty shitty about the decline of my "fit girl" status and appearance.

Yes, i'm still MILES ahead of where i once was, but not where i was this time last year, or especially the Autumn of last year. But I've been keeping the diet fairly in check and I'm on my way "back". However, I'm not feeling especially "fit".

Then last night, while at Target, something happened. I saw my body through the eyes of someone else for a mere moment. I was picking out some workout clothes that require fitted stretchy shorts and a work out bra top (that I ideally should wear with nothing over it) for a fitness class I'm taking next week. I was going to NOT get the top and just wear a tank/tshirt...and then my boyfriend, God love him, said this...

"why aren't you getting the work out bra?? Oh i know, you want to cover your stomach."

<insert his deep sigh here>

I said - "yup"

"i don't understand. you won't take your shorts off by the pool..."

(This is true, in vegas i refused to take my shorts off until i went IN the pool)

"...and now you won't wear the bra top for your class."

I said - "yup"

<insert another deep sigh>

"you are crazy. you should get the bra top...you can wear it. you're..."

(wait for it)

"...you're in shape, you're FIT, hon. Now shut up and get the top..."

And proceeded to help me pick one out.

(and as i just typed all that i'm an emotional blob)

Now aside from being so freaking lucky to have a man that wants to help me find a work out bra (yes i do realize how stinking blessed i am) - when he said "you're fit" I nearly choked on my tears.

Here I am, running around, hiding my body, HATING the aesthetic of my body right now because it isn't where it was...and the man who sees me butt naked from every angle sees me as FIT. 

And I thought...through who's eyes do we view our own bodies? 

Is it the media's? Our facebook newsfeeds? Our instagrams? The girl in the gym next to you? The magazine models? Because after that exchange last night with the man, I am wondering who's eyes am i filtering the view of my body through?

Because maybe that view isn't mine. And it is okay to compare your best self to a current self, that is how we measure and mark progress, and recognize when we've slipped. But even in light of that approach, I remember a year ago thinking about my body "i'm not where I *should* be".

Says who?

And where did I think and do I think I should "be" in terms of my "fit" status.

Fit isn't a private club, neither is healthy and yet if the aesthetic doesn't fit the social media newsfeed, suddenly you feel "not good enough".

But the truth is you are good enough. And so am I.

A hard pill to swallow (which it should NOT be), but it is.

So my vow to you and myself is to learn to practice a little bit of what i preach to everyone else on a daily basis. Something that I realize more and more...i'm guilty in the worst hypocritical way possible of not doing when i look in my mirror. 

"LOVE yourself, see yourself, your body, your entire being --through kinder, honest eyes."

That goes for me too.

Stop thinking in terms of "I should" and instead in terms of "I am".

I am FIT. I am STRONG. 

It is okay to want to be stronger, to be more fit...to strive to improve...but somewhere along the line I lost my honest, kind eyed view of myself.

And it took the man I love to wake me up.

VIDEO BLOG! Say What????

Well i went and did it. The lighting is off, i'm lookin' messy and you can see my funny face twtiches when i talk...but this is who I am...and wanted to share my excitement over finding my muscle makin' mojo again!


Check out my video blog HERE.

Sharing the Journey - 2015

January 2015 and I'm here in the midst of a blizzard, saddled by a storm that is currently dumping what is (allegedly) going to be, when all is said and done, a total of almost 2 feet of snow. Yup!

So how else does that bring me to you? Especially when I have not updated this particular blog in probably a million, gazillion years? Well first let's recap...

I tried to move away from the "Body Made Better" name in the Fall of 2014. I fell in love with the name Heart, Mind & Muscle because it seemed and seems a more accurate reflection of how my own personal journey, my health journey, had transformed. But for whatever reason, it just wasn't sticking, and oddly enough Body Made Better started to gather some sort of additional following that I can't for the life of me figure out where it is coming from. But I won't look gift horses in the mouth...but it has left me with a conflict of how to merge BMB with HMM. And that's something for my brain to quietly sort out off this page...so what belongs on this page?

My journey since the last time I chimed in here.

And what does that journey look like? Well, it looks a lot like my love of strength training. How it impacts and influences not just your physical strength but your mental strength. How there are so many misconceptions for women about getting too big, too bulky, looking too "manly", that it "is too hard" on the

female body...you name it, the misconception lives. But part of my passion is to help put an end to those misconceptions. Firstly, by living the life of a woman that strength trained 4 days a week. And for a solid three months Sept 2014 to November of 2014...i was kicking ASS. I had just moved through a "rough" patch of health and finally was making progress. I mean I had visual muscle, I felt strong, confident, sexy, HAPPY. 44 years old and I was rocking dresses I couldn't rock at age 34. On top of all this, I have a dear friend Holly Perkins that is launching this incredible mission Women's Strength Nation, a national campaign, (paired with the launching of her first book!), which I'm thrilled to be a part of. I had also just registered for my online Health Coaching Certifcation through the nationally accredited Spencer Institute.

EVERYTHING was feeling fantastic.

And then I got sick. Again.

Here comes the struggle part of my journey. Because ya know, I'm human. Like you. Like all of us.

Most of us have something that derails us. Some sort of either mental or physical block that when we gather momentum in an area of life that falls in tune with everything in our being...a big giant wall goes up and says "thou shall not pass".

Well, for me atleast that is how it works.

And for me, this happened. Again. This always happens. And every time I think I have broken through the barrier I hit it again and again. I had some personal life struggles over the late summer which I referred to in my previous blog entry that seriously threw me for a loop and I managed somehow to keep my health in tact and push through it all although my nervous system had taken a beating. I pulled it all together, came out the other side whole again, re-evaluated what may have gone off course and all was well again.

Except mentally some part of me had fallen ill, taken the hit and my "physical" wellness hadn't bared the brunt YET. Oh no...it waited. It waited until all felt WONDERFUL and on track and SO good in ALL areas of my life again.

Then...WHAM!

Thou Shall Not Pass.

First weekend of December I was hit by what I thought was some sort of sinus infection from hell. I do have
the world's worst sinus problems but usually a good strong dose of antibiotics and it clears my system in 10-15 days. But no...this was doing other strange things. Two doses of different meds and NOTHING. Odd pins and needle sensations in my face, pains in my neck and shoulders, low to no energy for almost a month and half, barely an appetite paired with days I couldn't eat enough, teeth pain then no pain. Of course this resulted in no WORKING OUT for weeks at a time and all during the Christmas season. It felt devastating. Depression was hitting me hard. I watched all my physical progress disintegrate right before my eyes. Muscle tone evaporated. I kept waking up every morning thinking, "today i'll feel better" but i didn't. On top of this, I had a primary physician that was no responsive and said "just keep rinsing with saline".

Um, no...something isn't right? Or atleast doesn't feel right.

So almost a full two months later (a couple weeks ago) I realized you have to take charge of your health. I saw different primary who ran a battery of tests and suggest I see my neurologist ASAP (because i do have neurological migraine condition). He got me in right away and verified for me that none of what I was experiencing seemed to be neurological.

Thank you GOD.

A huge weight off my chest.

Next up, lots of bloodwork, a possible brain MRI just to double check and the most important appointment on the horizon is with a new ENT in a week. Because oddly enough, this really does all seem to be pointing to some bad sinuses. I even went to the dentist who verified my troublesome impacted wisdom teeth (yeah, yeah they should come out) are NOT hitting any facial nerves.

And you know what happened as I started to go to all these doctors that re-assured me nothing looked to be major????

I've been feeling BETTER.

Do I have legitimate sinus problems? HELL yes. And I need to get my ass to that appointment, and I need to go to ALL my follow-ups. But my mental is STRONGLY connected to my physical. THAT is my struggle. It always has been, since I can remember, I've always had this strong mental/physical delayed reaction with sickness. I've managed to slowly ease myself back into the gym atleast twice a week and have implemented something new...

YOGA.

What????

If anyone knows me...I've put up a strong fight against yoga. Simply because silence, slow movement, the sound of breathing...makes me uncomfortable. But as I hit age 45 last month, I realized...the mental block that connects to my physical sickness can be cleared...and it is through things like meditation and yoga. I've begun to read up on Buddhism and learning to let go of obsessing over the past and worrying for the future but embracing the NOW. I'm far from perfect in any of this. And it is all still very uncomfortable for me. But sometimes THAT is what they mean when those catchy slogans and images on Pinterest say "The magic happens outside your comfort zone". It doesn't always involve scaling a mountain or running a marathon.

Sometimes it is finding the courage to listening to the silence inside of you and hearing what needs to be said.

The time has come to listen because there is a reason "thou shall not pass" keeps blocking my path. I want to help people cross their own bridges, find their own way, gather both physical and mental strength, live a healthy and whole life and I can't do that if i'm not working to live my best "whole" life too.

So this is my journey, this is what it has looked liked and continues to look like. It is my struggle. I love being active - running, lifting, walking trailing, biking (well sort of, working on that!) and i love eating fresh, clean foods (but i still have sugar problem!)...but it is time to marry the physical with the mental. The mental needs to be active too...challenged and stretched and forced to grow in places it didn't think it could.

It is all new to me, but I'm ready to go.

I promise to keep this blog up...it is how so many of you first started to connect to your own journeys and i'm sorry i let myself slip away. Being a "personal trainer" was not the route for me, it derailed me ironically.

But being a health coach is...getting that certification is my 2015 goal...and i'm going to make it happen. Maintaining this blog and sharing who I am and the struggles I face are part of that coaching.

Once last thing I MUST share is this INCREDIBLE "This Girl Can" video that a very good friend of mine shared with me yesterday. Click the image "I jiggle therefore I am" to view it.

CLICK FOR VIDEO

It is an absolutely inspiring video out of the UK that reminds us, as young girls and women, that working at a healthy, active, strong, better, faster self doesn't mean looking like the women in the pages of a fitness magazine or the six pack twenty somethings that you have scrolling through your Instagram account. THIS is what healthy looks like TOO. This is what the struggle, the pain, the joy and the celebration looks like of living a better, healthier, happier life and pushing outside your own comfort zone.


I ask you to please check this video out if you do nothing else today.
Remember, you are not alone in your journey.

working on better,
Rachel

On Being Human

It has been another million weeks since I updated this blog...but I told ya such would be the case so I know you aren't surprised!

Today's post  - it is a public spewing of confessional thoughts about living a fairly devout eat clean/train hard type life this past summer. Safe to say...this summer I saw the best my body has ever been in my whole life...at the age of 44...4 months shy of 45 mind you. I say that not in an obnoxious way but in an "i'm proud, its never too late" way. Over the past spring and summer months i dedicated myself to working out approx 4 times a week with a run thrown in for good measure here and there and ate clean for the most part. I gained MUSCLE and was the strongest i'd ever been. Doing 60lbs on a lat pull down is a lot of a 4'11 97 lb woman. Doing 135 lbs on the leg press is too.

I "felt" like superwoman.

In addition to that, and working my "day job" 40 hours a week I decided to take on training people in my "spare" time. So a total 3-4 clients in addition to my own training and working my usual schedule.

Add to that trying to have a life with the man i love and trying to figure out how to just hurry up and move forward as a personal trainer and you've got a recipe for either one or two things...1) incredible success or 2) implosion.

I'd LOVE to tell you success. I'd love to tell you "I'm NUMBER 1 all the way!". But I can't. For some...a non-stop, crazy train pace is the only way to live. Their immune systems, nervous systems, digestive systems all take on the stress of the increased pace of life and adjust accordingly, adapting and allowing the pace to increase.

I don't have that. When I take on too much, no matter how positive it is...the body at some point breaks down. It isn't the physical body that is under physical stress because physically, as i said, this past spring and summer I worked at being the strongest, fittest, fastest and healthiest I've been ever in my whole life. But mentally...i was burning out. But telling myself "go go go". Because to stop or slow down would be failure. Or maybe self sabotage. Or fear. Or "putting on the brakes". All things I used to do when I started to have success in my acting career a million years ago.

But now, at the ripe ole age of 44...I realize this is just how i'm designed. While on vacation in Vegas I started to get sick...not enough to ruin my trip (quite the opposite...the dry dessert air, the warm sun, the mountains...i fell in love)...but the breakdown had begun then a couple weeks ago. And then last week when I should have been back in the gym after only a week away, I battled with some major digestive problems that have left me weak with unexpected or unintended weight loss. Only two weeks away from the gym and I'm feeling like a shell of who I was two plus weeks ago.

And that's why there is this post...i'm human.

It is easy to feel like I was being super woman...going after my dreams, pushing myself, helping to push others...blocking out every available moment of my life with some sort of activity, job or "thing" that needed to get done.

But i can't live that way. Because my nervous system isn't designed for it. I need downtime, i can't work a 40 hour a week job AND train clients. Some people can, but I can't. It's too much for me - to live the life i have now and simultaneously work on designing a new one. And another thing that happened - while in the desert, coaching a dear friend on how to kick off a healthier lifestyle and how to approach a customized way to her Couch to 5K program...i realized I want to do more than be a trainer. I want to guide and coach people, i want to learn the psychology of living a healthier life. Why we do and don't make choices and how those choices impact us down to the root of who we are. I want to learn about nutrition..good Lord...of all the people on the planet...I NEED to understand nutrition for myself.

I want a long term career and I don't want to spend days counting my clients through reps. Yes, the PT certification is a huge bonus and yes, i'll probably still train down the line but my eyes are set on a bigger career shift. I don't want to wing my future...I want to plan for it. I want to invest "spare" time in my education so that a few years from now I have some sort of weight to what I can offer people in those specific areas.

I do know I want to continue to coach as a running coach, specifically beginner runners because that is part of how my life changed so drastically. And I want other people to feel empowered...running, even getting out and walking a few miles, CAN do that.

On top of all this, just plain ole regular life has brought some unexpected stress to the table but luckily i've begun training for my November 2nd Half Marathon...and running, as the saying goes, is cheaper than therapy - so now you'll find me in my gym twice a week, rebuilding lost muscle (so sad!) and running 3 days a week in training.

Some part of me thinks this is me backing off of my dreams...but the older, wiser side of me that I'm rapidly getting in touch with sees the pattern. I'm not designed to be superwoman. I'm not. I'm dare I say..."delicate" in some ways.

I have loved training my clients, I have loved seeing them feel empowered by picking up some metal and finding their strong. To put to rest the fear of "looking like a man" because they picked up some free weights. I won't totally relinquish that part of my passion, I can't. But I've got to take care of myself and my future for the long haul. I'm not 25 or even 35, I don't want to fly by the seat of my pants anymore.

I want a future. I want to plan it out. Not every last detail (God no! Boring! And impossible!)...but a general idea of where this life of mine is going. So although I've loved the immediate gratification of just getting out there and go, go, go...my body, mind and heart are telling me something different now.

And I have to listen.

In the meantime...this happened today ---->

And it felt good. I felt fairly strong considering I'm just getting over being so sick last week. Nothing has worked better for bringing me back as a strong runner than weight training...so the two for me will always and shall always go hand in hand.

find your strong...
Rachel

Where Have You Gone Joe DiMaggio?

It is August.

August and I haven't written a word on this blog since June 26th.
Sad I know.

Why's that? Well I won't make a list of excuses. But I'll make a list of what I've been busy doing, which ends up leaving me little time to actually write anything on this much neglected but much needed blog. I had a bunch of followers, loyal ones, who I am SURE by now have long since deserted me. And I can't blame them. I almost completely abandoned this shipwreck of a blog myself, until I realized I STILL need to sometimes let the world out there know what's happening in my Body Made Better world. So here's what has been going on since late June.

I have been:

• strength training 3-4 times a week
• cycling 1-2 times a month (10-12 mile bike rides, which i suck at, but trying!)
• running (start training for THIRD half marathon which is Nov 2!)
• launching my personal training business (launched Body Made Better Fitness!)
• launching my running coach services (first client signed on this week!)
• getting ready to put together a "virtual trainer" program (oy! workin' on it!)
• continue to be a monthly contributor to RI Fit Magazine (every month i'm writin'!)

That about covers it. In addition, I'm working my full time 40 hour work week as an Office Manager for a manufacturing company. Yep. Can you say "running yourself ragged"? But here's the thing.

It is TRUE. If I want the dream to become reality I have to work for it. I have to MAKE it happen. I have to hit the sheets at night exhausted. I have to have those moments where I think "why can't i be happy with status quo?". And I do NOT mean that in a demeaning way to those that are content without driving themselves into the ground for a passionate drive to accomplish some specific goal. We are all wired differently. For me, I have always had a passion...a red hot firey PASSION to do more than sit at a desk from 9-5. build up a 401k and then retire in my 60s. The downside is that I am not financially secure, the chances of being able to retire 20 years from now are minimal and I live a little on the edge of financial oblivion because i'm always looking to make a leap to something I think is worth the risk. And I'm okay with that. Because the way I'M wired means that I don't need to "retire" in my 60s because I'll still love what I do and not want or need to stop.

And here's another difference I'm experiencing. Something I'm compelled to get down in words 'cause it has been drifting around in my brain. As I said, I've always been fueled by passion...to do something outside a seemingly ordinary existence. In my late 20s I moved to NYC...I acted into my late 30s. I maintained a day job but in every other waking hour I was writing plays/screenplays, producing plays/films, acting for the stage...sometimes getting paid, sometimes not. I didn't care. I NEEDED to do it. I was taking lessons in "the method" and studied with the incredible Flo Young who granted me access to the very private Actor's Studio where my idol and legend Marilyn Monroe observed. My dreams a reality within the first year I moved to NYC. I KNOW how to make things happen if I WORK for it. And as much as that high rocked my world, as much as nothing ever compared to coming off that stage and people wanting to meet me and say they were "moved" by the performance...bla bla bla. I used to love the very self indulgent process of diving into my own life experiences and transforming it into the experience of the character i brought to life...bla bla bla. Now, please, i'm not trashing acting...in fact i still miss it...it is a part of me that will never completely wilt away...but something was always missing. And yes, when you are VERY good at your craft, and touch millions of people with your talent (like the recently deceased and shocking passing of the brilliant Robin Williams) you do in fact touch and change lives. But to have that wide scope of ability is a rare gift. To be able to touch that many people. For me...I always had that voice in my head that felt like I was only doing it for ME. I liked the process of working on myself and my character. I loved the whole process of bonding with other actors. It filled a nitch I never got to feel before. Filled a void. And when I finally made the move back to RI and gave it up, I didn't miss it. Which was startling to me. I was busy building a new life. And I did, after the passing of my mom, take an acting class downtown, just to see how it felt, and in the first week the teacher asked me what i was doing there. I was too advanced...i belonged back in NYC. I laughed with embarrassment. Confirmation received. I finished the class and never looked back. That chapter on acting...finally closed.

But I still knew I had something to give. And I wanted to give something that would directly help other people. I didn't need to fill a void. I wanted to help other people fill their void but with something that empowered them, made them strong, confident, brave.

And then fitness happened. And here I am. Two years later. Doing this. BUILDING a new career/world/life. And it is HARD. Good God this is HARD WORK. And I've heard this before...and pardon the french BUT...

And that sh*t is TRUE. And it explains why this blog has been devoid of any activity all summer because i've been workin' this booty off making my dreams a reality. I also landed, by the grace of God and the generous show of faith by two fantastic co-owners the use of a studio in Johnston called Total Body Affinity. They have a gorgeous spa space AND an amazing small, but fully equipped private fitness studio. They have allowed me to rent the space by the hour while I work on growing my business. It is an amazing opportunity but I'm so very grateful and working hard to grow, grow, grow so I can bring more clients through their well deserved doors.

I'm on the precipice. You know? That moment when you are standing there, and you know that soon, it will be time to jump. And you will either fly or fall. And as I write that, tears well, because I know my mother would always catch me either way. And she isn't here any more to say that. To say "i'll catch you Ray". But wherever she is...i know she'll be there in her way, and i have to believe she's busy making me wings of the finest feathers and whispering..."you CAN fly".

thanks for reading folks and promise to try and inject this blog with a little more life...it may be more a venting session for a while as I try to gain control of the hectic schedule and the massive brainstorms exploding in my brain by the minute on how to progress Body Made Better Fitness.

One last thing - a HUGE thank you to all my friends that have taken the plunge and hired me to train them in these early stages - Marla, Patty, Sabrina, Shannon - and a thank you to my friend Hugh - a marketing genius who is willing to offer his talents generously to help me launch this baby the right way, a BIG thank you to RI Fit Magazine for always wanting my contributions each month as a health and fitness contributor - you allow me to keep my love of writing alive and well! To my mentor Holly Perkins...what pure inspiration this woman has been in how I conduct myself as a professional. I would not have found my way into this world if it wasn't for her. And finally to my main man, my partner in crime...who to date since April has worked HARD to lose over 50 lbs the old fashioned way - through healthy, clean eating and exercise - and he's still going - I thank him for putting up with my crazy schedule (that is about to get crazier). For quietly supporting me, for never deterring me from this dream and for finding his own way to a healthier life. He keeps ME inspired and motivated to keep pushing forward.

I'm sure I've missed others but this crazy brain is trying its best :)

So there's my post folks. Sorry if it isn't filled with helpful tips and resources...but its a kickstart if nothing else and put a little life back in this baby!

stay strong,

Rachel