Narcissism & Other Devils

So here we go...

I've had a whole stream of thoughts i've been wanting to blog about but just haven't made the time to sit down and blog it out. But right now, if I don't get all these random realizations out of my little red-haired head, i might pop.

First up...let's talk about body image struggles. Let's talk about how this time last summer I was in the best shape of my entire life at age 44. And then let's cut to THIS summer where I am a far fall from where i was last year. Let's talk about how all those cute little outfits and dresses and pants and shorts i bought LAST year although still "fit" - do NOT fit the way they did a year ago. I'm SUPER critical and cautious about what i wear...and if i feel like anything is "puffing" out over a tank top seam or the waistline of a pair of pants or shorts...i will NOT wear them. I don't care what YOU do...rock it and be comfortable...but for me, i'm just not okay with that.

Now here's the problem...i was not always that way. I used to be okay with not being tight and toned. I used to be okay with a little extra soft flesh on this bod. In fact, I LIKED it. It made me feel more feminine. But then I discovered working out and running and eating NO carbs and LOVED that I could wear just about anything i wanted without feeling self conscious. And to go BACK to where I sort of was "before" I discovered my almost obsessive need to work out and run and eat no carbs...has been a struggle.

 I was not a hard body. I didn't have ripped abs...but i felt so confident and comfortable and strong in the body i was making.

So why not go back to that you ask? If i know exactly HOW I got my body that way why not just do it again?

Because it bordered on narcissism. Actually no it didn't border. It was narcissism. And unless you are sharing a life with someone who is as obsessed with their reflection in the mirror and their "progress" it takes something away from the life you are sharing and turns it into "all about me". Maybe there are people that can do both. There is such a thing as balance. But i haven't found it. I'm trying. Oh God how i'm trying but it isn't there. Well...actually it is there...i'm just not fighting hard enough to get it and own it.

Where I'm going with this is right now, at age 45, I'm in a fight with myself. To accept that my body won't always be what it was last summer. That in order to get it that way I was sacrificing a lot of things without realizing it. I am a FAR happier person right now in my life (despite a job from hell...lol)...I feel very complete as a person and fairly content.

Until I try on pants or a dress from last summer. And then I fall apart and fight off self hatred. And what kills me is...this is all about the PHYSICAL. This has NOTHING to do with me as a person. I like to think I'm a better person NOW because I understand life can not revolve around a progress picture of your ASS. That broadcasting you can sit and not have a roll of skin appear on your waistline is not the priority in life.

All in all I think I got caught up in how important my physical body was. And i'm still caught in it to a smaller degree. I'm getting older and strength training and staying active will ALWAYS be a part of my life, even if it is sporadic or inconsistent at times. But that is all part of who I am...and that is the difference...it is part of who I am, not ALL of who I am. I don't want to build a career on making sure my physical body looks like what I preach.

What I want to preach is self acceptance. That you don't have to look like the hot 25 year old in the INKEDGIRLSWITHHARDBODIES Instagram account. You can look like YOU and still be hot, and still be inked, and not be 25 and still rock that shit. I believe with all my heart for all other woman. Now I've got to work on believing it for myself.

And all this passion, all this 100% believe it with all my heart makes me want to take a class in the psychology of women and society. Where do these ideals come from? I was one of the people perpetuating that angle that "well just do it, just change your body, you control it". And although that is true...it isn't always that easy. Sometimes you don't want your world to revolve around building your best body ever. Sometimes you want to eat the potato skins and onion rings and eat cake. And sometimes you'll want a salad and frozen yogurt. And BOTH those scenarios are okay. But I feel like the fitness industry perputates an ideal that most people can't relate to.

I want a practical approach to living a healthy, happy life. A balanced life...and that is the key. To live long, to love the body you've made through all phases of life and take care of it. But you have to take care of ALL of it...the mind, the spirit and the body. And sometimes the spirit wants to sleep late and cuddle up with the person you love versus run to the gym because you have to keep to a schedule.

Screw the schedule. Love everything about being alive. Kale, weights and squatting is not the end all be all.

Atleast not for me.
And I'm okay with that.