Through What Eyes?

I'm not sure what happened, or maybe I am, but somewhere along the line I became the world's worst blogger again. My promise to keep this up back in January was a big giant FAIL and for that, as always, I apologize profusely. All that said...let's let bygones be bygones and move on with the subject of this blog...

I've often "blogged" about body image. How we all see ourselves in a much harsher, crueler light than we actually exist. Most women, me included, tend to see ourselves viewed mentally under the florescent lights of a dressing room, in a three way mirror with no retreat or surrender in sight. If you've gone clothes shopping, then you know of which I speak. Those dressing room lights are enough to make almost anyone run and hide - screaming and crying all the way - swearing off any type of carb, sugar or fat based food (which pretty much eliminates everything). 

No bueno.

After I started to recover from the hell sickness that knocked me down to my knees in December/January, I've slowly made a comeback fitness level wise (just in time for a wisdom tooth to severely crack and require surgery to remove...ahhhh timing....but i digress). I've started running again (oy vey...if you don't use it, you lose it...but it feels GOOD!) and this ass is officially in the gym again. Yay!

But, in the midst of all this, I lost...or thought/felt like/believed...I no longer looked like someone that had been previously "fit". My little pooch of a belly is smooshy again, even though it was never rock hard, it certainly wasn't this smooshy. My inner thighs have lost that wonderful defining line and now sporting barely any definition at all (though i've never cared if my thighs touched...i'm just not that girl). My ass, although still shapely, is stubborn to let go of the "dimples" on my butt cheeks (yes, strength training eliminated the dimples people! Squat! Squat! Squat!). My upper body is a mere shadow of what it once was. My shoulders, triceps and biceps are present, but nothing like before. All and all, i have been feeling pretty shitty about the decline of my "fit girl" status and appearance.

Yes, i'm still MILES ahead of where i once was, but not where i was this time last year, or especially the Autumn of last year. But I've been keeping the diet fairly in check and I'm on my way "back". However, I'm not feeling especially "fit".

Then last night, while at Target, something happened. I saw my body through the eyes of someone else for a mere moment. I was picking out some workout clothes that require fitted stretchy shorts and a work out bra top (that I ideally should wear with nothing over it) for a fitness class I'm taking next week. I was going to NOT get the top and just wear a tank/tshirt...and then my boyfriend, God love him, said this...

"why aren't you getting the work out bra?? Oh i know, you want to cover your stomach."

<insert his deep sigh here>

I said - "yup"

"i don't understand. you won't take your shorts off by the pool..."

(This is true, in vegas i refused to take my shorts off until i went IN the pool)

"...and now you won't wear the bra top for your class."

I said - "yup"

<insert another deep sigh>

"you are crazy. you should get the bra top...you can wear it. you're..."

(wait for it)

"...you're in shape, you're FIT, hon. Now shut up and get the top..."

And proceeded to help me pick one out.

(and as i just typed all that i'm an emotional blob)

Now aside from being so freaking lucky to have a man that wants to help me find a work out bra (yes i do realize how stinking blessed i am) - when he said "you're fit" I nearly choked on my tears.

Here I am, running around, hiding my body, HATING the aesthetic of my body right now because it isn't where it was...and the man who sees me butt naked from every angle sees me as FIT. 

And I thought...through who's eyes do we view our own bodies? 

Is it the media's? Our facebook newsfeeds? Our instagrams? The girl in the gym next to you? The magazine models? Because after that exchange last night with the man, I am wondering who's eyes am i filtering the view of my body through?

Because maybe that view isn't mine. And it is okay to compare your best self to a current self, that is how we measure and mark progress, and recognize when we've slipped. But even in light of that approach, I remember a year ago thinking about my body "i'm not where I *should* be".

Says who?

And where did I think and do I think I should "be" in terms of my "fit" status.

Fit isn't a private club, neither is healthy and yet if the aesthetic doesn't fit the social media newsfeed, suddenly you feel "not good enough".

But the truth is you are good enough. And so am I.

A hard pill to swallow (which it should NOT be), but it is.

So my vow to you and myself is to learn to practice a little bit of what i preach to everyone else on a daily basis. Something that I realize more and more...i'm guilty in the worst hypocritical way possible of not doing when i look in my mirror. 

"LOVE yourself, see yourself, your body, your entire being --through kinder, honest eyes."

That goes for me too.

Stop thinking in terms of "I should" and instead in terms of "I am".

I am FIT. I am STRONG. 

It is okay to want to be stronger, to be more fit...to strive to improve...but somewhere along the line I lost my honest, kind eyed view of myself.

And it took the man I love to wake me up.