tonight's blog is packed with emotion...conflicting emotions.
i'm learning quickly the downside of being someone that is in the new bloom love of working out, running and eating healthy. the downside comes in the form of people not always being supportive or not understanding the importance of finally feeling good. And not just good but strong. beautiful. capable. and one more time, with feeling...i feel and am STRONG. finally. this is important to me...in fact, its critical for my mental well being to connect to the gift that is the beauty of the human body...here's one real big reason why...
In the Fall of 2010 I watched my beautiful, talented mother, my very best friend, deteriorate into an unrecognizable ghost of who she once was -just over three months September, October, November. Cancer attacked and devoured her physical self. I was exposed to how susceptible we are as human beings - I saw how at any moment our bodies can break down. There were reasons why her story played out the way it did, like a nightmare my family couldn't wake from...but all the while, I kept in my mind the beauty of her spirit and soul - something the cancer could NOT take from me, or her for that matter.
After witnessing that horrific ordeal...after almost two years since losing her from this earth...i decided it was time to find the reflection of my inner strength by finally owning my body. Making it my own by testing its limits. To see if I could transform. At 42, I made this decision. Not 22 or even 32. But 42. In truth, I made this decision for me. Because I needed to do this. Over the past couple years, since my mother's death i've been sick on and off month after month. Yet, tests always came back fine. The only true issue I have is a migraine condition (a pretty bad one if I don't stay on top of it actually) - but since starting to exercise, combined with my one pill a night prescription, i'm in pretty good shape migraine wise (yay). I knew, somewhere deep down that I could turn things around health wise if I committed myself to change. And my gut instinct was right.
But i've done this for another reason too.
For my mother.
For a woman who never got to see her full physical potential, and who never got to be the stunning little old lady I know she would have been. Long, silver white hair flowing behind her and perfectly painted finger nails. She would have been spectacular. And in her place, and in her memory - I owe both myself and her this joy of discovery...to grow stronger, healthier, happier...
and if that is pissing some people off or annoying some people...to them I say "i'm sorry"...
but I will not, can not and most importantly do not want to stop. in fact...i've got a career change in mind at some point...so those that know me, love me, work with me..get used to it.
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